Figure this out
by dkshp
Summary: Deeks' thoughts when Kensi ran out from the holding cell in 7x10. tags to 5x19. First FF ever, it kind of jsut wrote itself. hope you enjoy


"We're gonna figure it out. I gotta get back. Guard!" he heard his girlfriend say as she spoke over every word he tried to say to her, as she ran out, ran away from him. He knew she believed it, that she thought if she just fought hard enough everything would go back to normal. He knew better. He couldn't see a way out of this that didn't destroy her. He stroked his chin, defeated, remembering the last time she spoke similar words to him. That time it was also with a finality no one could argue with, with a determination that was so uniquely her.

...

(post Afghanistan)

The plane ride home felt longer than the days spent in Afghanistan. She was so close, yet so far. Huddled up in a broken ball in the seat beside him, with her hands clutching to her chest. All he wanted was to hold her, to stroke her hand in his, to convince himself that she really was there. His kensi was alive and breathing, sitting next to him. But she wasn't his Kensi, not really, not anymore. His Kensi would have made a snarky comment about how badly he needed her to comfort him right now and slipped her hand into his with a smirk, she wouldn't have begged him to stay with her and retreated into herself at the same time, commanding him to stay glued to her side and not allowing him to comfort her.

The entire ride he avoided reflecting on the atrocities he had just committed to get her back by coming up with different arguments to convince her to let him stay with her tonight, all while kicking himself for needing to so badly. She hadn't even looked at him when Jack was around, and she wouldn't let him touch her... what made him think she was his to take care of anymore? He refused to accept her excuses in his head when he asked her to let him into her apartment. Just like he would refuse to accept them when the plane landed and the argument came to fruition.

It turned out he didn't refuse her anything. He didn't need to.

She didn't ask, just took his hand when they got to her apartment door and led him inside. He briefly wondered why she couldn't have done that on the plane, saved him the endless hours of worry, but he dismissed the thoughts as quickly as they came, because with her hand in his, all he could think about was how his other half was finally close enough to hold onto again. She led him to her bedroom and wordlessly lay down, when he followed her onto the bed she curled into him and neither spoke a word. He lay there confused, heart breaking for her, wishing she would just say something, anything. In the end her sigh of contentment when his arm wrapped around her waist was enough to convince him he was exactly where he needed to be.

...

Over the next couple of weeks she never once asked him to sleep over, to block the nightmares for her. But every night he found himself in her bed, arms wrapped around a fully clothed Kensi, stroking her back or her hair when the whimpers started.

It all happened on one unremarkable morning; he woke before her, breathed in her scent as if he had every right to, and decided to bring her a special treat. He had been feeding her pancakes each morning and ordering take out for dinner each night. So far she looked to be gaining back some of the weight she had lost while she was in captivity. He ran out to the store, praying that she didn't wake up in his absence, all the while not knowing how she would react to being truly alone since she was back. Turns out there was no reason to worry, he walked back into the apartment to the very content sounds of a piglet like snort. He couldn't help his grin as he kissed her forehead, her nose, and finally her lips. She woke slowly, feeling his warmth seep through her skin, it was when his lips brushed against hers that she woke with a start. She jumped up in the bed, nearly smacking into his nose on her way up, and stared wide eyed at her partner. The man who had cuddled her every night since her return, but who hadn't touched her in any other capacity since that hug when she fell apart.

"Kens..."

He seemed at a loss for words, trying to explain why he had just kissed her awake. He honestly didn't have any explanation, he hadn't thought about it, it just felt right. He decided that honest explanation was the best, the simplest. "I...it just felt like... the right thing to do."

She continued to stare at him, as if she couldn't quite figure out why.

"Um. uh. I brought you a couple donuts" he said as he handed her the bag, he left the room, left her to gather her thoughts and wandered into the living area to collect his things. He expected her to come out, demand an apology, or another kiss maybe. But instead she stayed in her bed, she gave him a meek wave goodbye when he was ready for work and came in to check on her before leaving for the day.

"I'll bring by chinese tonight" he said as he ran out, not giving her a chance to say no. He needed this, this weird limbo that they were in, at least it was something. He needed her.

It was a few hours later when he received the text from her, letting him know she was going to her mother's for a while, and she would see him when she returned to work. His heart broke all over again, he kicked himself for kissing her this morning, he couldn't even bring himself to be pissed at her for running. It was what she did, he knew that. Why did he expect anything different?  
Because he was different damn it! because he would torture someone to find her or to grieve her. Because he would comfort her every night and not expect a single word in response. Because he was Deeks and she was Kensi and he deserved for her to stay and fight. Kensi always ran when she was confused or hurt. But she couldn't run, not from him.

So he brought chinese food over to her mother's house that night. He took in her look of shock and he demanded that she stop running from him because he wasn't going to let her go anywhere. The look she gave him held so much confusion, but so much love that he didn't question his sanity as he repeated his action from this morning, the one that had sent her running from him. He kissed her with all he had and he told her "don't you ever run from me again. I wont let you go. we're gonna figure this out. you hear me? Tell me we're gonna figure this out!"  
Breathlessly, but with the unparalleled Kensi Blye determination she told him. "We're gonna figure this out." and that's when he knew that it may not have been the same Kensi as before who got on that plane from Afghanistan, but she was still his Kensi. Always would be.

That night when the three of them finished dinner, when Deeks wanted to drive her home, she told him she was serious, she was staying at her mom's. She told him she needed to recuperate on her own so that she could get back to him, so she could be his partner again. She told him "We're gonna figure this out" with the most determination in the world. He believed her, because when Kensi Blye says she's going to figure it out, she wont give up until she succeeds.

And they did, didn't they? He had gotten his partner back. They made it through everything, until they were finally 'all in'... so then why now, stuck behind these bars was he so terrified that she really would figure it out?


End file.
